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I’ve been talking with a lot of people lately and listening to even more. And a question that keeps coming up is some version of: “how do we communicate with people who are different from us?” Though this is particularly pertinent today, I’ve been speaking about this and coaching professionals how to effectively bridge communication gaps for some time. While it is not new, what is different today is that people are leaning in and interested in learning. The how is complex, and a part of a longer and deeper discussion. Yet getting started is simple and begins with something I learned from the wisest person I know, my mother.
When I was growing up and having difficulty getting along with someone at school, or having one of those “can you believe so and so does this” conversations, my mother would always say the same thing, “The world would be an awfully boring place if we were all the same.” She believed in seeking to understand, celebrating our differences, and accepting others for who they are. Mom’s standard was tough to live up to as a kid and even more difficult as a teenager. But as I’ve grown into adulthood, I’ve come to be grateful for and admire my mother’s teachings.
While celebrating and embracing our own differences, how can we also relate to and understand others? And in both our personal and professional lives, how do we bridge communication gaps with those who are different from us?
“The world would be an awfully boring place if we were all the same.”
Acknowledge
Take a minute to consider what has come together to create the unique lens through which you relate to the world. Think about your upbringing, family of origin, place of birth, where you grew up, your childhood experiences, middle and high school, any further education, faith or spirituality, sexual orientation, values–the list goes on and on. Then search to find anyone else who has the exact same mix of everything you just considered. It doesn’t take long to realize that no one else has your same lens–your compilation of experiences, influences and perspectives that make up how you relate to the world.
Yet our tendency is to relate to others as if they are coming from the same lens as we are. This creates the biggest challenge to overcome in communication- that we tend to come to others as if they are the same as we are. As if everyone else will react the same way we do, or be thinking the same as we are, or come to a problem, solution, situation the same way we do. We tend to act surprised when someone has a different way of doing something, or a divergent opinion. Why do we tend to make assumptions based on our way of thinking or the way that we relate to the world?
Quite simply, for most of us, we relate to others through our own lens because it is the only lens we know. By first acknowledging that no one is like anyone else, we make the choice to look outside ourselves to better understand the lens through which someone else is relating to the world. While this seems so easy, and most think they are doing it, the application goes back to my mother’s advice.
Seek to Understand
The most effective way to understand another’s lens is to seek to understand. While we can take quizzes and assessments at work that help us understand how others think and process, we can watch movies, read books and blogs, and listen to podcasts to learn about others, the very best way learn is to get curious and ask questions. Work to build relationships with those you don’t know or those you don’t understand. Ask questions, listen to the answers with the goal being, as my mother taught me, seeking to understand.
Where are they coming from? What is their experience? How do they feel, and why? I used the phrase “work to build relationships” because while this also seems simple, it is not always easy. Crunching numbers is predictable, as is much of our “to do” list at work. Building relationships and getting to know one another’s point of view, or lens, or imagining life in their shoes can be unpredictable. We don’t always know what we’ll find when we start the conversation. We can make mistakes, it can get uncomfortable, and sometimes messy. But on the other side of the “work” is opportunity for something new-understanding, collaboration, engagement, teamwork, employee retention, not to mention friendships, loyalty and trust.
Celebrate our Differences
Billie Jean King said, “It’s just really important that we start celebrating our differences. Let’s start tolerating first, but then we need to celebrate our differences.” We know that diversity in the workplace can yield positive results such as:
1. Higher innovation
2. Increased productivity
3. Increased creativity
4. Increased employee engagement and retention
5. Variety of perspectives which can lead to better decisions and ideas
6. Faster problem solving
7. Better company reputation
8. Global impact
With all of this opportunity at our fingertips, rather than seeing differences as opposing views or opinions, challenges, competition or threatening, why not seek them out for consideration? Being alike can breed same old, same old ideas. By encouraging sharing of opinions and thoughts, considering different ways of doing things, we are more likely to reap the benefits of the diversity we have hired in the workplace.
Accepting Others
In addition to seeking to understand, and celebrating differences, let your employees and staff know you value what they bring to the table by including them in conversations that matter. Strengths coach Dan Grafstein says, “To excel, employees must feel valued, respected, accepted and encouraged to fully participate in the organization.” It’s not enough to hire diversity and listen to differences of thought, opinion and ideas. Leaders must also provide opportunities for and encourage participation. This can be accomplished by providing a variety of pathways for voices to be heard, such as surveys, small groups, tasks forces, staff meetings, leadership meetings, communication circles. Feeling included, valued, and heard leads to higher engagement and retention.
Mom’s values and beliefs apply even more today. By first acknowledging that we are not the same, then seeking to understand each other, celebrating our differences and accepting, including and valuing staff and employees, we will move toward bridging our communication gaps.
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